The other night a bunch of people made plans to go out because one of their friends was coming into town. Now, he moved out of town a little before I went to prison (over a year ago), and he has been to town a good number of times since he left. But all that is not the point... anyways... everyone (my 'friends') made big plans to go out to the bars and meet up with him... I didn't think to much of it at the time... but after that night (in which I did stop at the bar they were at, however not for long)...
I thought to myself: I really resent almost all of my friends... there are three people in particular who are the top three on my list... but other than that, I still resent them all...
I was in prison for 5 months. Five long and hard months of pure hell... and I couldn't even get a visit... hell, I couldn't get most of the people to even fill out the forms so they even could visit... I got excuse after excuse for the reasons no one could find the time to come down to visit me. And I really tried to put it past me... I tried to sit around, and look past the tragedy that is my social life... but I can't... I can't forget all the horrible things about prison, and the fact that I had to go without a support structure (aside from my family, and girlfriend)...
I lost a lot more than 5 months while I was in prison... I really did... and most of you knew that I held hard grudges before I left... and it is nice to know that atleast one thing hasn't changed...
I am still dealing with my experience(s) in prison... it is far harder to get over all of the intricate things that have happened inside and out because of my situation than I originally thought... but it's always reassuring to know that I can use this as an outlet...
// sk0t @ 12:16 AM ::
Comments [8] :: Digg This ::
2008/02/19
Disguises
As humans, there are times when we are forced to 'blend' into a situation. We change our tone, we change our actions, we do things we wouldn't normally do... we modify who we are to become who we should be at a particular time. I've lived a lot of my life blending into the crowd. Trying to be someone I am not. I used to fear getting caught, I used to dread the day when my most darkest of secrets would come out... For now, I know I am safe... but I think my days are numbered.
*Who am I? -- A question that crosses my mind often. *Why can't I be to you, what you are to me? -- Something else that crosses my mind.
I am working on my understanding of why some people are better friends than others... If I can help someone... I will... If someone just needs to talk... I will listen... If someone just needs to get out... I will drive...
...but if someone needs a friend... they will call someone else...
I can tell you all that this is a reoccurring theme in my head. It is a paradox because I genuinely don't care about the happenstance or circumstances of people around me. It's not that I am an inconsiderate prick or anything, I just find the struggles I have in my own life more consuming that others... but I am always there to lend a hand in need. Maybe its because I was gone for so long, and I forsaken by all but one. Or maybe I have brought all of this upon myself... or maybe even I am just a horrible person who deserves to burn in the flames of my own creation... I don't know...
They say that the past comes back to haunt you... in my case... I can look back at a troubled past, and look on to a tested future...
// sk0t @ 12:16 AM ::
Comments [0] :: Digg This ::
2008/02/07
On the Road Again
Today, being Thursday and all, is my usual (well, used to be usual before I went to prison and then subsequent home confinement) trip to Cleveland, OH, for my Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu class. I call it my class, but in reality, it just involves me and Kevin going down there, and tapping each other (which is how we say "I Quit"), and then it involves me getting tapped out by everyone else that I go against. Normally, I try to roll with Kevin and atleast one other person, however I am thinking that since I am driving so far, I might as well get my moneys worth -- so I might try and "kick it up a notch". I really enjoy it, and it takes away some of the stress in my life (which is overwhelming at times).
Anyways, just wanted to give a heads up on what's going on.
2008/02/04
**FEB UPDATE**
A few things have happened since my last post (which was in mid-January)...
First off, I have back at school for my Spring semester. I am taking Accounting, Macroeconomics, and some MIS courses, and bowling (in which I am not good at all). Matter of fact, I am having my first set of exams this week. (Accounting exam is today).
I would love to tell you all that things are going splendid, and that my life has returned to its prior state of unadulterated bliss... but I can't. I still struggle with everything that has happened to me.
On February 15th, it is going to be one full year since I went to prison. I am sure you can imagine this years Valentines Day will be far superior to last years. February 15th marks a horrible day in my life... I do not foresee it being a day of celebration, but a day of introspection, and a review of the life I led and the life I now lead. My only hope is that I do not expect that day to bring me something I know I don't want.
Anyways... on February 29th (yes, this year is a leap year), I will be going to Columbus, OH, for UFC 82. It better be ask exciting as I expect it to be. Speaking of that, I still have 1 more ticket to the event: It is $220 dollars, if anyone who read this would be interested in going with us. Let me know.
The house is coming along well, we are waiting for the winter to be over so we can start the remodel of the basement. It should be really nice when I am finished.
Well, that is the update that I have for you right now... I am anticipating a revival in my posting habits... so keep in touch.
// sk0t @ 10:51 AM ::
Comments [6] :: Digg This ::